1/31/09

Most Dreams....

Most Dreams fade away by the time I have finished my morning sabbatical. However, every once in a while, the dream is so consistent in theme, so vivid, so emotional, that it sticks with me much longer. Even becomes a memory, of sorts.

Last night, I had a series of dreams that explored my psyche and allowed me to express my deep emotions on a level that I haven't felt in a while. Most days I am busy being the "rock", the shoulder to cry on, the mediator & negotiator. So, it is no wonder that the deep passion that I feel about life and relationships tends to come out with such explosive force. I have become quite apt in analyzing my dreams. It isn't the individual events that occur and the minute details of the environment, but rather the emotional tout that is most important. The particular feelings that one experiences in a dream is the real "meaning" of it all.

In my case, I am struggling with a conflict: I am proud of my beauty, inside & out. However, I am distraught that somehow I am plagued with being undesired, unwanted and not worthy to be loved. At least not in the way I love. I love deeply and passionately. I give my whole self and expect the same in return. However, those I have chose in the past have either been unable or unwilling to give themselves to me completely.

There are other themes within my dreams.

I have great aspirations. I aim to save the world one magnificent act at a time and do not seek praise, but rather recognition that the act occurred. In a way that empowers others to save the world as well. So, I seek to be a humble hero with the freedom to do great things with the ultimate goal to inspire others to become heroes in their own right. Now, this translates from a fantastical, magical world in my dreams to real life where I desire to make a real difference. However, I have not yet found a the opportunity in real life to act out these worldly ideas. I expect that day to come soon and will most likely present itself as an impact on a smaller scale, yet colossal in emotional importance.

There is a third subject that is common in my dreams and presented itself again. The feeling of loss, the fear of being without ability to go where I wish. The dream is usually about my car. Either the lack of one, being in the shop or whatever. Or something is physically impossible about the vehicle which prevents me from driving it. So, I translate this to mean that I struggle against seemingly impossible obstacles to attain my most desired goals in life.

All of this is with a sense that I am confident in my greatness, my ability to shine and overcome. However, again and again, I feel defeated by others and the enclosure of "real life". The money, the things, the situations that all tie me down to an expected norm. A frustration with a deep desire to avert disappointing others and still achieve my dreams.

The only new item of interest that appeared was the inclusion of a dear friend. This someone comforted me and pointed out to me that not all was lost. This offered a new aspect to the reoccurring story, bringing light to the importance and affect this person has made on my life. Friends really do make a difference.

Lastly, I offer the notion that I am not afraid to express my emotions in real life. In fact tears are dropping at the moment as I write. I just find myself barred from expressing my passion during most of the day as it is not widely accepted to sing loudly while in line at the grocery or to go widely into discussion about the tragedy of others across the world while one is supposed to be earning their living. So, I wait. I wait for the right moment, the appropriate forum to scream from the mountaintops, to heal the world's wounds.

1/27/09

Depo and My Anxiety, potential hidden cause

Phew! what a long day! ;)

I just discovered something interesting that might point to a possible increased risk of the anxiety issues I have been dealing with. I have stopped taking my Depo shot (birth control). I have been off it for about 2 months and within the last month I haven't had any anxiety symptoms. Prior to stopping the depo, I was still having mild anxiety attacks even on the anxiety meds. So, I did some searching online and found lots of forums where people posted about the same circumstances. Anxiety and depression are a possible side effect of Depo. But, since I had been on it for about 5 years, I didn't think they were related. However, as I kept searching, I found several whom only starting having REAL problems after being on depo for a few years, especially if there was some sort of extra stress in thier lives that helped to trigger the episodes.

So, long story short, I am staying on the meds for a bit longer, but am seriously considering trying to wean myself off them (under Dr direction) in about another month. If all goes well and I am off the meds in a couple months, I may still never know if the Depo cause it directly. But, at this point, am pretty convinced.

1/9/09

Free Remote Assistance for Friends!

This is just too kewl... I haven't tried it, but it allow file transfer, which Logmein does not on the free edition. I am going to have to try this out soon. :)