10/21/08

Operation Recuperation - Day 2

Started the day out from Payson at a liesurely 10 am. After realizing I had forgotten my camp chair and table, dish washing bin & scrub towels, camp soap, paper towels and toilet papter....

I went to buy a few things from the Payson WalMart. Ahhh... now I was really prepared and on my way. Traveled from Payson, throught Show Low. There, I found cheap gas (2.99/gal), which IS cheap for rural arizona, especially on tourist routes. Anyway, picked up gas, then onto Springerville. Stopped off at a rest stop and took some pics (posted on Moblog).

Got some firewood in Springerville... Then, to my surprise realized my phone said I was in roaming mode... grrr.... I had thought I had checked before-hand to make sure that I was in the VZW network area for the whole trip. Well, with no cell phone coverage at the lake campsite, I was lowered to war-driving in the local town, St Johns. Got a quick message out, then back to the campsite.

While getting camp setup, I discovered that one cannot squeeze the air matress into the tent after blowin it out side the tent. After a good laugh at myself and managing to work the blown up matress into the tiny entrance, I was pretty much setup. Well except for setting out the water and chair, lugging the firewood out near the fire.. Anyway, it was starting to get a little chilly, so donned my new hiking pants, over my sweat pant (man was that a squeeze too). I felt like a stuffed sausage. Which reminded me that I had a package of sausages and a new cast iron camp fire "pie iron" I had to get seasoned. So, I set out to get the fire going, the pie iron prepared and the sausages cooked. Man, did it turn out well! The sausages were perfectly cooked.

After eating, I just sat and tended the fire, looking up at the stars. I started to whisper to myself at some point... I had a few revelations by that fire... Increasingly, over the years, I have wrapped myself in a shroud of fear. This has not only prevented me from realizing my dreams fully, but also has frozen me like a statue at times, being unable to function. I think I have only been able to survive at times because of all the disctractions. Mental turmoil with my relationships (absence of parents in childhood, Aunt Sharon's antics, Amanda's Social Anxiety Disorder, my Mother's plethora of mental illnesses, then Lee's hipocrisy) has only served to give my mind something else to concentrate on. To come to feel responsible for the misgivings of others, blaming myself for thier failures if I was unable to make a difference. It has caused me, at times to retreat into my shell, frozen in time. Which only serves to create issues as well.

Long story short, I realized that my dreams are goals only if I am willing to grasp them. That I am powerful, beautiful and proud. That I still need to learn to be able to care and give without automatically taking responsibility for other's success and/or failure. To realize that I can save the world, but only if I save myself. That I need to find ways to manage my stress, instead of escaping them.

So, I have started.... not only have I started by going on this vacation, but also doing a bit of excersize, staying away from caffeine, getting out of town to relax.