Today, started much like any other day. Finished up with morning communications and coffee, and having a bit of extra time available, and being increasingly eco and health conscious, I decided to ride the bus for a meeting. With springtime upon us, I was excited to get a jump start on increasing my step goals. Laptop slung, cell phone squarely in my jacket pocket, wearing my ridiculously furry ushanka hat, trodding along, my mind started to wander. I was looking forward to finishing out paperwork following a great offer for a remote opportunity with Creighton University (out of Omaha, Nebraska) as a Senior Drupal Architect and pondering some details leading up to a scheduled session with a new mentee this afternoon.
Imagining Tulsa's beautiful green rolling hills during spring and summer, though somewhat, decidedly, a lack of sidewalks along S Memorial Dr that I failed to notice a perfectly symmetrical depression and found the land had suddenly fallen out beneath me...
This was not the first time I had tripped in my life. In fact, as a young child, I became well trained in the art. Largely, due to a mischievous cousin, whom thought it a hilarious circus act to trip his younger counterpart. So regular this activity, that I had developed a particular talent in stepping out of attempts to being thrown to the ground. Turning a potentially damaging exercise into productive venture, I later enrolled in gymnastics and tumbling for a time. Needless to say, this time, I was not so lucky. It all happened so quickly, as they say.... After years of training, reaction, turned into disaster... Right foot rolled and popped, instinctually bending knees and letting my center of gravity fall to the left, catching myself with my left foot. What I didn't anticipate, was additional obstacles (those darn invisible pine cones!) and uneven ground so close by.... Left foot rolled, with an extra and slightly louder pop... now letting go completely, falling to the ground, I feared the potential circumstances I was facing. After gathering myself, yoga breathing to calm the rush of adrenaline, sucking up tears and flexing both feet, I already knew the left was worse than the right. On my knees first, right foot up and stable, then attempting weight on the left.... NOPE... that's not right... down again on to the sweet, sweet ground...
Then, commenced the real action, calling hubby, 911, cancelling meeting, ambulance ride and confirmation, yep, I broke my ankle.
After 40 years, I can no longer proudly state that I have never broken a bone. :( Thankfully, it is not a load bearing bone (fibula) and will likely not require surgery. The orthopedic doc will confirm soon (hopefully tomorrow). Booted and crutched, my new goal is mastering the art of the hobble. Hmmm... or maybe I can get one of those cool knee scooters!
A few weeks ago, after having a lengthy discussion with a friend on facebook about forgiveness and reconciliation, I held my breath, scrunched my eyelids, and jumped into an abyss. I had no idea what to expect when I sent that initial message. But, I knew I had to. It was time.
When I finally got the courage to peek through narrow slits and a haze of eyelashes, I was greeted with a pleasant extended exchange with a person I thought I had lost forever. After several weeks of conversation, today, I was asked a relatively simple question. One that you would think would have been asked and answered during the first couple of minutes. They wanted to know what I had been doing with myself for the last 20 years!
I found it impossible to explain in brief and sitting here writing this now, I realize that I have spent much of my adult life telling close friends and loved ones about my childhood. To be honest, I still can't believe that I have lived more years since leaving Rocklin, CA in January of 1998 than when I was born in April of 1980. But, the numbers don't lie. After regurgitating my journey, I felt it was important to capture the story here. After all, at some point, I intend on writing a memoir, just like my grandmother did, and I need to keep some notes. Here is that accounting:
After I left Rocklin, I enrolled in Paradise Valley High School. When reviewing my transfer credits from Rocklin, it was decided that I would make up work for a Physics class by finishing my final project by mail. My earned points were too low for a History class, so I enrolled in a History course at the Paradise Community College as a college concurrent course (credits for both HS and college) and was also able to fit in Jazz Choir into my schedule. The Jazz Choir won semi-finals and was invited to a San Diego Jazz Choir competition. The school chartered a bus and reserved hotel rooms and after the competition the next day, we were all treated to a wonderful show at a local historical theater and after-hours event at SeaWorld.
Near graduation, I was awarded the President's Award for Educational Achievement where the presentation focused on Abraham Lincoln and how he persevered despite his many setbacks. After graduating from Paradise Valley High School, I enrolled in several Open Entry/Open Exit courses during the summer and participated in a work-study program in the Computer Lab where I mostly helped young and old operate the Windows 95/98 computers and reset the printer queues. lol
I continued for another couple of semesters there, but soon found myself not having yet made a career choice, so left to work full time at various computer retail stores. CompUSA, a local computer shop called Paradise Valley Computers & Sears in the computer department. However, after finding it difficult to progress in computer retail, found myself working at Robinson's May in the Home department. I quickly became one of their top performers. However, I must have not kept track of the security of my drawer one day, or something, and found myself being accused of stealing from the company and being fired. Hindsight 20/20, I should have insisted that they show me the proof. (they said they had security footage) . But, oh well.
At that point, I decided I needed to get out of retail sales, and ended up as a cashier for Home Depot. After the holidays, they laid me off, so I enrolled in the Work Information Network program through the Department of Economic Security and went back to school, this time at Maricopa Community College for an Associates Degree in Computer Science. Unfortunately, the state failed to inform me that they would only be paying for the first semester and I had to apply for federal aid to continue with the program. At which point, I also started working through several temp companies and found myself jumping around several Admin Assistant and Inbound Customer service positions in the Healthcare and Financial industries, finally ending up working as a technical support representative at 2Wire, an internet router/modem manufacturer. I started there when there were only 50 people at the center and watched it grow to over 300 agents, survived a buy-out by HSBC as the "Home Networking" division.
While working these "temp" jobs, I lost interest in the Associates Degree due to lack of quality instructional design and after taking a break for a while, after I started tech support at 2Wire, I decided to try a Technical College, finally deciding on an Art Design school that had a technical program, called Collins College out of Tempe, AZ. This time, I tried very hard to keep my work and school lives separate. But, when the Career Center got wind where I worked, they must have reached out to 2Wire, as they started attending career days at the school. Soon, I was surrounded by people that went to my school & my workplace. Needless to say, despite all the policy & procedure changes that took place at 2Wire, I had worked my way onto a specialized "fiber" Senior level team within 2 years. But, I hit a glass ceiling. They kept promising to send me to CA to do special work with the Engineering department, etc. Then, one day, my supervisor "wrote me up" for getting 0's on 5 out of 10 User Experience Reviews in the previous week. After two years of excellent service, this new manager decided to write me up for a bogus reason. Let me explain. They just implemented this policy to grade employees performance based on User Experience reviews. Being on level 2, most of my calls were escalated from the overseas call center in India. So, most people who gave bad scores to level 2 agents were actually marking for their experience with the level 1 dumb shit they first talked to. To top it off, they had me "selling" the surveys to the customers, encouraging us to beg for high scores at the end of the call.
So, I started looking for a different job. Through a different staffing agency, while I was at the Maricopa County Animal control, rescuing a 2 year old male Husky, I got a call from a Manager at Universal Technical Institute, an Automotive Educator, to come to work in their internal Help Desk. I gladly accepted the position and right before finishing my Bachelor's Degree in PC Networking Technology in 2006, was offered an entry-level development position on their in-house team. I continued to work for UTI for another 3 years, working on their internal Student Information System, embracing changes and improvements within the company and system. For most of my stay at UTI, I lived in Arizona City, which is a 70-minute drive south of Phoenix. And those first 2 years were the craziest, working full time, school full time (in an accelerated program, 3 years to complete the Bachelor's degree) and driving ~150 mi per day. I remember four nights a week, only getting 5 hrs of sleep at night. It was TOUGH. For years after, I would say: "I'll never do THAT again!"
But, after finishing the program, something changed.
Looking back now, I realize that I crave doing more, being more than just one thing.
Once all I had to live for was my work, I focused hardcore on the UTI "family" and "culture", the messaging and maybe I got too altruistic and saw too much behind the curtain. I was definitely discovering my true independence and after leaving a relationship in 2008, everything just came crashing down on me. I had been staying at my Grandma's, getting ready to move into an apartment, alone, for the first time, ever and it hit me out of the blue, a full-on, holy shit, Panic Attack. Went to the hospital, convinced I was having a heart attack, to be rushed into the Xray machine and EKG and everything, only to be handed a Xanax and after feeling a thousand times better, chalked it up to "stress"
But, I kept having them and the symptoms were always different. Sometimes mild, sometimes like lighting striking my skull.
So, naturally, I went to the doctor, who in turn diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and was prescribed anti-anxiety medication.
I even started going to a counselor again.
But, nothing was working, I was losing focus at work, my performance was suffering. One day my boss pulled me into his office, convinced I was going to be canned, I started to cry. Now, this guy was awesome. He was sensitive and loved having women on his team, so knew how to deal. We decided I would take a leave of absence for 3 weeks.
After returning to work, I was able to handle the corporate environment much better, like some sort of competitive sport and soon found myself getting approached by the Quality Assurance group for a new position they were creating and wanted to fill with a mid-level programmer analyst. I would be working as a liaison between the dev and QA groups and helping to enhance the new software automation regression testing suites they were starting to implement as part of a proactive strategy initiative, blah, blah, blah
Of course, I was excited about the opportunity. However, I was asked to keep it secret. I should have known then that something was wrong. About a month later, I emailed in sick. Midday, I got a surprise knock at my door from my boss, worried because he hadn't heard from me. I found the email had gotten stuck in my drafts, and sent it, thinking nothing more about it. However, the next day, I was called into the director's office and fired. I was devastated. I remember having to fight for my Unemployment benefits, going through an Audit process with a phoned-in hearing, where they were found to not have sufficient evidence to support a "justified" firing.
So, there I was, unemployed again... Just a few days before, I had met a new romantic interest, even had him over at my apartment the day that I got fired. Thankfully, he was there to catch me. Needless to say, we fell deeply in love, moved in together at a new apartment near his mother's house in Mesa, AZ and that is when my "real" journey started.
Well, I guess, you can say, my "adulting" journey, anyway.
I registered a trade name & started back at school, this time at Western International University for an MBA. While going to school, I started to develop my brand and figure out exactly what I wanted to do. It was very challenging. I had no idea where to put the focus. I knew a little about a lot, or at least I felt that way, at the time. So, I just advertised as a Jane-of-all-technology. And of course, that failed, so I got another job, working for University of Phoenix, another private educator as a technical support representative. Again, I had aspirations of starting at the bottom and working my way up. After all, that corporate ladder worked at least part-way before. So, I spent another 3 years working for one of the biggest corporate educators on the planet. And again, I was pretty good at climbing, ending up in the Internal Tech Support group, getting on specialized projects and teams. At this point, I embraced change, I thrived on it. I was even named a "change agent" within the company, always getting picked to work on the next initiative, training new employees, and when a big change came, when they decided to outsource the Internal Help Desk, I was right there, Designing interactive workflows in Adobe Photoshop, doing training seminars with the Indian reps.
And I even accepted going back to the External Technical Support group, continuing to advance under that umbrella, enrolling in the Remote team program, a new group where agents worked primarily from home.
But, like before, I started to see the seeds of change were turning against me, so I revitalized the idea of restarting my business, went back to school for a Masters of Science in Innovation & Entrepreneurship from Full Sail University, based out of Florida. It was an online program, so I was able to work and school again, but at an easy pace, only having to write a few things each week and participate in discussions. Then, I landed a big contract in 2013 with a friend/partner for a plastic bag manufacturer out of California. And when the project started rolling, and I UOP was starting to drive me bonkers, I quit UOP and went full-time with my business.
So, for over 5 years now, I have been operating my own software development business.
I have had many clients since that first one and have learned A LOT. I still have some challenges to overcome, some of which were harder to crack due to other circumstances. But, especially since moving here to Nebraska, I have really been able to hone in on my mission and vision and have a new product I am working on launching, hopefully, this year.
So, there you go. (Congratulations if you made it this far, btw!) There are a lot of details not covered here and you can read about them here on my blog. But, really, this was more a review of my professional journey, with a few personal bits mixed in.
If you have made it this far, I am interested to know more about you too! How many of you have been adulting longer than you were a child? Do you feel old? I'm not sure I do, at least yet. Also, do you plan on writing or have you written an autobiography?
I have been seeing sooooo much news about homelessness lately. Now, I completely accept that the Almighty Google may just be targeting me. But, when I am encouraged to sign-up for Nextdoor, a "social network for your neighborhood community", and a large percentage are about homeless in the area. Well, I wonder. Maybe the world is just changing and seems like very few are truly ready.
So, how do I deal? I write! And today, I have finally taken the plunge and signed up to be a Creator on Medium.
My husband & I are currently living out of our 1986 GMC Suburban in Vancouver, WA and became houseless last year near the end of July, because of a predator, a person who was supposed to be family, who claimed to need roommates to help afford his apartment and once discovered that he was illegally subletting low-income housing that he did not qualify for, proceeded to misuse the local authorities to get us thrown out on the street.
And after, I saw another creator's post where it seems I am not the only one who is seeing this stuff:
It is good to hear others are seeing the same problem I am. If people would just stop & listen, sit with each other, embrace each other, see each other's value.
Take my mother, for instance. She is the single-most sweetest person I have had the pleasure to know. Admittedly, this is partially due to her mental illness, but nevertheless, her quickness to forgive and willingness to sacrifice with a deep concern for others are the parts of my genome that I proudly display on my sleeve.
As a result, whenever I encounter opposition, I tend to try to understand and empathize first, compromise and support next, and forgive and forget, if all else fails. But, recently, this modus operandi has been severely challenged. The more I think about this happening, the more I realize how this is not the first time. In fact, there has been a pattern of this approval-rating behavior in from my maternal family since I was very young. And worse, it not only affects me but everyone else in and around the Felton women.
I have always been the type to have to "learn the hard way", as my late Grandmother would often suggest, usually accompanied with a chuckle, when I told her about the latest catastrophic science experiment. One, in particular, involved a Barbie tea party, using a toy barbeque set and a tiny bottle of Tabasco sauce. The tea didn't taste as it should, of course, but being born in New Mexico, I was not put off by the spice. Rather, I was annoyed that there was so little to go around and it was gone before I had a chance to discover the exact number of drops that were necessary to achieve flavor without too much bite.
My sense of curiosity and perseverance has continued to serve me to this day. Although, as I matured, and through experience, I tend to make fewer mistakes now and know better when to pull myself away from a tough problem to let the ideas and findings percolate. I don't know how many times I have been hit by an "Aha!" moment while doing some unrelated activity, like flying a kite, reading a book or playing a game.
One of the things my Felton family has always valued was education. Which is good, because I happen to love it, as well! Although, due to mitigating circumstances, involving sexual abuse by a Paternal family member (from my father's side), which finally ended when I emancipated myself at age 16. Of course, the Felton matriarch came to the rescue, purchasing a futon, at first, and several months later, after speaking openly of the many years of sexual abuse, was shipped back to live with my Grandmother. So, needless to say, once I graduated High School (which was a feat of its own), I was NOT ready for college full time. I was ready to work, to serve, to mentor. So, naturally, I signed up for work-study at the Paradise Valley Community College computer lab, helping all walks of life operate the complicated machinery. And I was a natural, troubleshooting the printer queue and network in one moment, and reminiscing with an elderly re-entry student about how there didn't use to be mice for computers, in his day. I was not, however, as interested in writing long essays on English literature or arguing about the merits of Sine vs Cosine in solving Polar Equations with my Calculus instructor. So, to say the least, my attendance lapsed and I found myself working various sales and support positions until, at age 23, I finally broke down and got "that stupid piece of paper" and enrolled in Collins College, a now-defunct technical/art college, and 3 years later, walked out with a BS in Networking Technology.
Before graduation day, I had landed a "sweet gig" working in the Education industry as an internal Technical Support Analyst for Universal Technical Institute, Inc and quickly worked my way over to the Software Development shop. My "helium hand" got me far and fast in the corporate world. But, sometimes, fast is too fast, and I found myself out on my heels right before a big promotion into the Quality Assurance group. This loss hit me hard. Why? They had convinced me early on in the relationship that I was a member of their corporate FAMILY...
The word, FAMILY, holds a deep meaning in my heart. I do not impose it lightly. I have discarded genetic family that I did not consider deserved the title in the past and am not afraid to do so, to this day. Equally, I am cautious to add anyone to this list. Although I freely admit, in search of acceptance and love, I fell into several romantic relationships in my young adult years, where my vision was shrouded. In fact, after abruptly leaving a serious relationship in the mid-2000's, largely due to his addiction to fetish forums, favoring the admiration of a new piece of virtual meat to the ready-and-waiting familiarity of yours truly, I acquiesced to the apparent curse of the Felton women, to never know true love and found a way to be happy with that.
Being alone, older, and, thankfully, childless, was still challenging, to say the least. A life of consistent trauma and loss finally caught up with me, manifesting itself in the form of persistent Panic Attacks, leading to a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and subsequent medication. At this time, I was still working with UTI, the automotive educator, being still in favor and alignment with the office politics, I was encouraged to take a leave of absence, which I took advantage of and consequently named Operation Recuperation and wrote several blog entries about:
Even though I struggled, at the young age of 29, I was happy to be alone, with the idea of being single for the rest of my life. Plus, I had plenty of friends and social circles to laugh and cry with. As a member of the SCA (An international volunteer medieval re-enactment organization), I often found myself at backyard barbeques and campouts one weekend and Gaming Parties with my Alumni buddies the next. Being an accomplished woman in STEM, I had no shortage of suitors. Still, to this day, my marital status is inquired and I have become adept at quelling the oncoming crush, utilizing various methods that seek not only to accept to flattery but make clear my lack of availability.
In April of 2009, my perceptions and assumptions surrounding love, passion, and career were changed, to say the least. A match-maker friend of mine called me up one evening, after work, while I was contemplating a jaunt to the local used bookstore. She asked if I was into "Younger overweight guys", which made me chuckle, but could understand based on the previous man I was with being older and petite. I decided to allow her this pleasure, and with Thor's Myspace pictures plastered in my mind, drove down to meet up with him. Not interested in a relationship, but not minding a roll in the hay, I found him pleasantly intellectual, yet not presumably so. Striking me as gentle and shy, underneath an animated sheath, I felt allowed to be myself and easily attracted to the beast.
I took him home that night, spent the next week easily enjoying his company, deciding that it would make sense to take a break, reconnect with other friends and family, testing to see how we each felt about continuing to see each other. See, neither of us intended to get into a relationship. Thor had come off a heartbreak within the last year and had, decided himself, as well, that he was better off not having one. We had agreed to part for two weeks but found after only one, that we couldn't stand the silence any longer and by the end of the month, found ourselves moved into together in a new apartment, in Mesa, near his lovely mother, Patty.
It has been almost 9 years since meeting and falling in love with Thor, but it feels like it has been dramatically more. It has not all been butterflies and rainbows, to say the least. Rather, the financial and emotional struggles we have experienced, have time and again, proven to me that we are strong, we are resilient and we can survive the Apocalypse together. His strengths and weaknesses match so strangely perfect with mine, that we have often found ourselves clashing with each other, pinging off each other's fears and frustration. But, through all the tears and turmoil, we come to an understanding, empathize, and find a way to help each other overcome and break through to a more meaningful existence. In addition, we allow and encourage social interaction outside of ourselves. Because no matter how much we love or hate each other, we love and hate the world, too.
It is on this last matter, that I feel most proud of when it comes to gauging the success of our relationship. We are often observed by people, upon seeing our interaction, that we sound like an old couple, but still in love. And when asked how we came to be, I often come back to the thought that we demand brutal honesty from each other. No matter the issue, no matter how much it might hurt to hear, we need to, we have to because if we don't, it will only build up and create animosity between us.
This brings me to the recent Happening...
A couple of weeks ago, my Auntie Joanne, after hearing of our more recent challenges, messaged me to ask to have a private conversation with her. Upon clarification, she meant without Thor in the room. Out of respect for her wishes, I waited until I had a free morning when Thor was otherwise occupied and grabbed a quiet room at the local library.
Before pinging her that I was available, I had already started to develop some anxiety surrounding the purpose of the meeting. Was someone sick, dying? Were they simply worried about me? Right out of the gate, I was hammered with a statement that still rings in my head. Last night, the reverberation of its effect was so loud that Thor woke to a midnight crying session. Come to find out, in the span of a single paragraph, my whole Felton family, not just Auntie Joanne, wanted me to know that if I ever decided to leave Thor, they had plenty of money and would help me to start over. Ummm...
Wha? Start Over? Let me think, I have started over, with and without Thor more times than I have fingers, maybe even toes. Regardless of that fact, why would I do that? So, I naturally, I asked why they would only help if I was without Thor? And tiptoeing and diving around the questions, the only response I got was something incredulous like "adult decisions have adult consequences". Near the end of the conversation, after I attempted to acquaint her with how Thor has been a positive influence on my life, helping me deal with my Anxiety without medication (which, its use along with the Depo birth control shots, had been a contributing factor towards a life-threatening Deep Vein Thrombosis event). And only after I explained that I prefer the peace brought on by the nomadic life, did she relent to the simple core of worry, wanting to make sure that I was safe and happy. After assuring her that my life was in no danger and that I was happier than I have ever been, she still could not directly answer my question about their opinion of Thor.
So, I can only imagine, and I have, the fears and Anxiety about the opinions of the Fucking Felton Matriarchy.... about MY LIFE, MY HUSBAND, MY CHOICES....
All I have to say is: HOW DARE YOU! All of you, are abused and alone! I pity you! To say the least, I am disappointed to have come from your stock. These are the parts of my genome that I DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO. This and previous statement about your "OPINIONS" feel like poison in my heart and I am feeling the urge to pull out the thorn, never to let it's sweet fragrance tempt me again.
I don't pretend to know all the secrets to love an happiness, but I will continue to attempt to transcribe some of them here on my blog. In the meantime, tell me what you think. Is blood thicker than Conditional Love? If so, why should it be?
I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but I really need your help.
If you recall, the last time I asked for your help, you gave me the strength to leave home at 16 in order to escape my emotionally destructive Aunt and sexual abuse by my cousin. And I think I have been paying it forward ever since. But, I sometimes wonder if I have done something wrong to anger you.
Just to bring you up to date... I have been working in software development for quite a few years now (20+) with a focus on the Education industry. I also serve as a mentor on Codementor.io/tekNorah and love working with creatives, like yourself, to get things done! About four years ago, I quit my "day job" and started working as an Independent Software Engineer and Project Director for Small to Medium-sized businesses in the Manufacturing, Automation and Integration spaces. My previous experiences convinced me that Innovation is Dead for Corporate America and helped to expose my real passion: the Freelancer community!
Currently, I am focused on building a Freelancers Network for like-minded people that want to work with other independent freelancers on larger brand/web projects. The network consists of Dev, Design and Brand professionals, with a range of skill levels and rates with the goal of budget flexibility, while remaining focused on quality.
I am asking for your help one more time. Would you mind sending me some paying clients? I know it is a bit tough for everyone out there right now. But, I think I might just not be barking up the right tree or something. Rent is really late this month and my relationship with my roommate us really shaky right now. Plus, my husband is going crazy because he is without his instruments for over 2 years now, which we had to sell in order to eat at the time.
We have a food bank nearby and moved up to Vancouver, WA in January this year, in order to let the green heal us and it has done a great thing for us. But, it is starting to look very grim and I don't want to crash and burn so far from family.
Just a reminder, our rent and bills are only $615 per month. I am willing to wait, but we are also down to paper towels for toilet paper. Ultimately, I just need some traction, so we get enough together to buy an RV and buy my Husband's music and recording equipment back. I know you want to hear his art and it breaks my heart to see him this way. He is so patient and loving. If it were just me, I would just live in a shelter right now. But, he wouldn't do well in there and would end up homeless, I just know it.
Thank you for listening!
If you or anyone else needs some help with their website, software or project management, please reach out to me anytime. My email is: tekNorah@tekAura.com or message me using the social links at the bottom of my about.me page.
If you think I'm awesome sauce and just want to donate, you can send me money directly via paypal.me/tekAura or subscribe for rewards on Patreon.
And if anyone needs help with money, please check out this website. Who knows? Maybe your story will resonate.
Day 5 was a much better day! I took a healthy 2 mile hike to Horseshoe Bend. Was a bit grueling for me, especially since I am not fit for this kind of excersize. Up and down a hill both ways with a good portion very sandy, so slow. It definitely got my heart beat up. I know now that when I do excersize, I want to do much of it outside.
It has been much colder up here than I expected it to feel and so have been staying at hotels mostly. It is getting a bit expensive and I am starting to miss the warmth of phoenix. Plus, I forgot my long johns! :)
Anyway, after the hike to Horseshoe Bend, I went on a boat tour to Antelope Canyon. Beatiful high "painted" canyon walls. The sandstone layers and sheer cliffs were spotted with flora and fauna. We saw a couple blue herons and some kayakers on the way. Took lots of pictures, of course. I will be posting them when I get back home.
I stayed at the Marble Canyon Lodge, just south of Lees Ferry. A qauint little lodge in the middle of nowhere, had an open hot roast beef sandwhich and mashed potatos, which was ok. The hotel room bed was hard, but nicely furnished with solid wood. A real cabin feel. The TV only picked up a couple channels, which was fine. Read a book anyway. Unfortunately, woke up to a cold room as the heater wasn't working well. All and all it was a good day/night.
So, I have decided to make my way home. This has been a refreshing adventure, no doubt. But, I think it has been enough, for now. I have gained courage and ambition, and a sense of self that I haven't had in a while. I am now thinking of all the wonderful things at home and feel it a sign that I make my way back. I still have a week of vacation, but plan on doing a few things in phoenix I haven't done in a while. I think I will visit the art and science museums, go on a hike (camelback/south mountains, maybe). Go see a movie... my eyes are more open to what fun I can have right at home.
The biggest lesson I have learned is how to relax, especially in times of turmoil. I have found ways to manage my stress and some new triggers to avoid. The second biggest lesson is that I now have fully realized is that there is a big world out there that I can afford to discover. Yes, it may take time and some effort, but my dreams are only goals and now I have the courage to attain them! :) I will continue to post after reaching home, as I think part of this process is also finding ways to deal with being at home, close to the stresses that started this whole ball of wax.
So, I have decided that I have had enough vacationing away from home for a while. I am going to visit a couple more
All that running around really caught up with me on Day 4 caught up with me, eh?!
So much so, that after getting up, sending out emails, etc and going to the Glen Canyon Visitor center, I was tired again. Took another nap and before I knew it, it was sundown. I really need to take this trip a little more liesurely. Anyway, I thought I might try a shot at setting up camp at night. I have done it before, it's never fun, but is possible. So, I went down to the Wahweap camp ground close to the visitor center, paid the park fee ($15) and went on in to see if maybe the Dinner Cruise had left yet, only to find out that they weren't doing it except on Friday's....
So, on to the idea about camping... found that the camp registration office was closed and it was $19 to camp anyway. So, thought I might try the next camp site, Lone Rock. It had restrooms and a firepit, all I needed right? Well, what I didn't know it that if you go the wrong way, you can get stuck in the sand. So, there I am, stuck in the deep sand with my poor car, calling the park service for help. I was referred to a guy who pulls people out all the time, he came quickly, but it cost $150. Let met tell you... at this point, I was about ready to head home. But, decided to spend the night at the hotel again, which they gave me a $5 discount for staying the night before. Oh, and I also picked up some B-12 and St Johns Wort from the local Walmart. A friend noted that it might help instead of the drowsy inducing Zanax.
I think I might just go do the touristy thing today, maybe spend another night.
What an insteresting day.... Started the day out early, about 7 am... Got camp packed up, then drove down to an island mini-mountain at lymon lake. Found out that there were some petroglyphs there. So, took the mile hike, saw a caterpilar, got out of breath a few times, but didn't see any petroglyphs. Found out later that I went the wrong way on the trail..... oh well.
So, on to Flagstaff and Page (near Lake Powell). My Grandmother mentioned there was a petrified forest on my way to holbrook. So, I decided to stop in. Only to discover how big the place was! :) Well, anyway, stopped at the vistor's center, watched a video that was mostly about why taking any of the petrified wood from the park was illegal and immoral.... Booooring... of course I won't take any wood. Oh well, so on to the park, walked about 1/2 mile around the great logs trail, then on to what they calle the Crystal forest. I was excited to go on this mile walk becaus the brochure said there would be amethyst. But, didn't find much, if any of that. It was still a nice walk, took quite a few pictures of some awesome petrified logs. It was like nature had just lifed up these logs to the surface, saying, "see what I created 220 million years ago!, is't it neat?"... and it was. traveled my way up the park, didn't stop at everything. But, did stop near the north end of the park to see more petroglyphs, only to find out that I could get up close to them, they had binoculars setup.. Took a few more pics, not sure how they will turn out, but we'll see. Sat down for a moment to have lunch... Then, on up to the north end of the park which is littered with lookouts onto the "Painted Desert" with layers of carved away sediment revealing all of the beatiful reds, whites and blacks, like a beautiful painting.
Finally, after 3 hours of seeing the sites, I was back on the freeway, on my way to Flagstaff. Stopped off at a Circle K in Holbrook... got myself a caffenated engergy drink (and regretted it later). Made a pitstop in town where I found wireless again, sent a quick email, then looked online for the best price on hotels in flagstaff & page. Not being sure where I was going to end up as it was nearing sunset at this point. Made my way to flagstaff, at this point being night-time. Stopped off at a village in, had some more coffee and a small steak dinner.... Got some more gas, this time $3.06.... then made the 2 1/2 hour drive up to Page. Made it into town fine, but then started to stress about which hotel was cheapest... did some more war driving, and finally found the best place (motel 6, $50 for the night).
Then, started to worry about my money. So, called the bank, found out it was fine and started to reply/send emails. I think it was a combination of stress & the caffeine, but I started to have an anxiety attack. Being the type that has never had to take pills before, I tried a few things to calm me down. Walked around the building, went to get something to drink (thinking I might be dehydrated). Then it hit me, full force, felt like I was going to pass out one moment, then heart raced with adrenaline the next. It was like a semi truck was sitting on my chest, I was dizzy... I took my Xanax pill.... layed down, it got worse. Walked around a bit, drank some more water, watched TV, went to the bathroom... anything to distract me from the thought that I had a blood clot, waiting to make its way up to my brain, remembering all those hospital TV shows.... feeling like the pill wasn't working fast enough.... waited for 1/2 an hour... still felt horrible.... So, what else could I do... I went to the emergency room....
I checked out fine... no evidence of heart attack, just was having a bad attack and needed to take a higher dosage. By that time, I was much more calm, but felt like it was only because I had been able to ask the doctor more questions (would you have seen evidence of a past heart attack in the EKG?: "yes"; can anxiety cause this severe chest pain?: "yes"). In some ways hearing this from the doctor instead of just reading online help quite a bit... Still feeling a bit of chest pain, the doctor gave me three more pills and told me to take them when I got back to the apartment.
I took them and within 30 mins, I was asleep.... Waking up to a knock at the door at 10 AM: "Room Service!".
So, I am now diagnosed with Anxiety... why in the world has this started now? I have never had this problem before... I mean, I am not a New York Stock typhoon.... Or a thrill seeker.... I am 28 years old for goodness sake.... Well... I guess this is only Day 3, still 9 more to go... Hopefully, I will have this issue taken care of by then... Meantime... no cafeine.
Started the day out from Payson at a liesurely 10 am. After realizing I had forgotten my camp chair and table, dish washing bin & scrub towels, camp soap, paper towels and toilet papter....
I went to buy a few things from the Payson WalMart. Ahhh... now I was really prepared and on my way. Traveled from Payson, throught Show Low. There, I found cheap gas (2.99/gal), which IS cheap for rural arizona, especially on tourist routes. Anyway, picked up gas, then onto Springerville. Stopped off at a rest stop and took some pics (posted on Moblog).
Got some firewood in Springerville... Then, to my surprise realized my phone said I was in roaming mode... grrr.... I had thought I had checked before-hand to make sure that I was in the VZW network area for the whole trip. Well, with no cell phone coverage at the lake campsite, I was lowered to war-driving in the local town, St Johns. Got a quick message out, then back to the campsite.
While getting camp setup, I discovered that one cannot squeeze the air matress into the tent after blowin it out side the tent. After a good laugh at myself and managing to work the blown up matress into the tiny entrance, I was pretty much setup. Well except for setting out the water and chair, lugging the firewood out near the fire.. Anyway, it was starting to get a little chilly, so donned my new hiking pants, over my sweat pant (man was that a squeeze too). I felt like a stuffed sausage. Which reminded me that I had a package of sausages and a new cast iron camp fire "pie iron" I had to get seasoned. So, I set out to get the fire going, the pie iron prepared and the sausages cooked. Man, did it turn out well! The sausages were perfectly cooked.
After eating, I just sat and tended the fire, looking up at the stars. I started to whisper to myself at some point... I had a few revelations by that fire... Increasingly, over the years, I have wrapped myself in a shroud of fear. This has not only prevented me from realizing my dreams fully, but also has frozen me like a statue at times, being unable to function. I think I have only been able to survive at times because of all the disctractions. Mental turmoil with my relationships (absence of parents in childhood, Aunt Sharon's antics, Amanda's Social Anxiety Disorder, my Mother's plethora of mental illnesses, then Lee's hipocrisy) has only served to give my mind something else to concentrate on. To come to feel responsible for the misgivings of others, blaming myself for thier failures if I was unable to make a difference. It has caused me, at times to retreat into my shell, frozen in time. Which only serves to create issues as well.
Long story short, I realized that my dreams are goals only if I am willing to grasp them. That I am powerful, beautiful and proud. That I still need to learn to be able to care and give without automatically taking responsibility for other's success and/or failure. To realize that I can save the world, but only if I save myself. That I need to find ways to manage my stress, instead of escaping them.
So, I have started.... not only have I started by going on this vacation, but also doing a bit of excersize, staying away from caffeine, getting out of town to relax.
Many of you (that would read this) already know that I am on a much needed vacation. I have officially dubbed this adventure as "Operation Recuperation". My plan is to not have too much of a plan, just to relax, see the sights my home state offers & let the cool mountain air recharge my spirit.
I will be camping most nights, but this first night, I am in a hotel. The decision came late in the day to go ahead and start my journey. I hope to get a good start on sightseeing, setting up camp, ect by being now only 3 1/2 hours away from lyman lake.
I will have an internet connection when on the road via my cell phone tethered to my laptop. (for those techies reading this, I am using BDUN (Bluetooth Dial Up Networking))
Anyway, while I am in the hotel, I might as well soak up the free wireless internet service... even though it is much slower than home :) I get 20Mb at home, here I am getting only 1.9Mb. (speedtest.net results)
I am now getting a craving for something sweet.. but, can't have smores yet, so I think I am going to go on the hunt for dessert in payson... and then to sleep.
I have been seeing sooooo much news about homelessness lately. Now, I completely accept that the Almighty Google may just be targeting me. But, when I am encouraged to sign-up for Nextdoor, a "social network for your neighborhood community", and a large percentage are about homeless in the area. Well, I wonder. Maybe the world is just changing and seems like very few are truly ready.
Day 5 was a much better day! I took a healthy 2 mile hike to Horseshoe Bend. Was a bit grueling for me, especially since I am not fit for this kind of excersize. Up and down a hill both ways with a good portion very sandy, so slow. It definitely got my heart beat up. I know now that when I do excersize, I want to do much of it outside.
All that running around really caught up with me on Day 4 caught up with me, eh?!
What an insteresting day.... Started the day out early, about 7 am... Got camp packed up, then drove down to an island mini-mountain at lymon lake. Found out that there were some petroglyphs there. So, took the mile hike, saw a caterpilar, got out of breath a few times, but didn't see any petroglyphs. Found out later that I went the wrong way on the trail..... oh well.
Started the day out from Payson at a liesurely 10 am. After realizing I had forgotten my camp chair and table, dish washing bin & scrub towels, camp soap, paper towels and toilet papter....
Many of you (that would read this) already know that I am on a much needed vacation. I have officially dubbed this adventure as "Operation Recuperation". My plan is to not have too much of a plan, just to relax, see the sights my home state offers & let the cool mountain air recharge my spirit.