I am not ashamed of...

I refuse to be ashamed of

my pain, my ailments, my anxiety

They are not a result of

my actions, or lack thereof

I refuse to be a prisoner of

my trauma, my body, my mind

They are not enemies of

my experiences, or lack thereof 

I refuse to be a fool for

my desires, my love, my ambitions

They are not the destinations of

my life, or lack thereof

I broke myself...

No shit, there I was....

Today, started much like any other day.  Finished up with morning communications and coffee, and having a bit of extra time available, and being increasingly eco and health conscious, I decided to ride the bus for a meeting.  With springtime upon us, I was excited to get a jump start on increasing my step goals.  Laptop slung, cell phone squarely in my jacket pocket, wearing my ridiculously furry ushanka hat, trodding along, my mind started to wander.  I was looking forward to finishing out paperwork following a great offer for a remote opportunity with Creighton University (out of Omaha, Nebraska) as a Senior Drupal Architect and pondering some details leading up to a scheduled session with a new mentee this afternoon.

Imagining Tulsa's beautiful green rolling hills during spring and summer, though somewhat, decidedly, a lack of sidewalks along S Memorial Dr that I failed to notice a perfectly symmetrical depression and found the land had suddenly fallen out beneath me...

This was not the first time I had tripped in my life.  In fact, as a young child, I became well trained in the art.  Largely, due to a mischievous cousin, whom thought it a hilarious circus act to trip his younger counterpart.  So regular this activity, that I had developed a particular talent in stepping out of attempts to being thrown to the ground.  Turning a potentially damaging exercise into productive venture, I later enrolled in gymnastics and tumbling for a time.  Needless to say, this time, I was not so lucky.  It all happened so quickly, as they say.... After years of training, reaction, turned into disaster... Right foot rolled and popped, instinctually bending knees and letting my center of gravity fall to the left, catching myself with my left foot.  What I didn't anticipate, was additional obstacles (those darn invisible pine cones!) and uneven ground so close by.... Left foot rolled, with an extra and slightly louder pop... now letting go completely, falling to the ground, I feared the potential circumstances I was facing.  After gathering myself, yoga breathing to calm the rush of adrenaline, sucking up tears and flexing both feet, I already knew the left was worse than the right.  On my knees first, right foot up and stable, then attempting weight on the left.... NOPE... that's not right... down again on to the sweet, sweet ground...

Then, commenced the real action, calling hubby, 911, cancelling meeting, ambulance ride and confirmation, yep, I broke my ankle.

After 40 years, I can no longer proudly state that I have never broken a bone.  :( Thankfully, it is not a load bearing bone (fibula) and will likely not require surgery.  The orthopedic doc will confirm soon (hopefully tomorrow).  Booted and crutched, my new goal is mastering the art of the hobble.  Hmmm... or maybe I can get one of those cool knee scooters!

Everyone has a bean and a brain

I'm always open to connecting with awesome people and I tend to surround myself with artists, thinkers, entrepreneurs and dreamers.

People that are up for a healthy intelligent debate, can take and dish out jest, and are also willing to trust and talk about their fears, their ugly side, their aspirations and their strength.

In this crazy world, we have all become experts at building walls between each other... but, I believe that defeats the purpose of life... I came here to connect... touch... hold... and feel...

How about you?

In a Nutshell: My Spiritual Journey

My life history is.... Unique.... My mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia before I was born. My father, a Vietnam vet seduced her and, POP!, there I was living in a shack in northern New Mexico. Not long after my birth, my father abandoned us, and my mother had to carry me 5 miles to the nearest highway in late fall to hitchhike back to Grandma in Los Alamos. We moved into an apartment in Albuquerque, while she tried to goto school and hold down a job. But is was no more than a year before is became clear that she was not capable of caring for me. So, off to live at Grandma's house I went. My Grandma was raised Lutheran. However, lost the desire to attend church several years prior. Because her life choices were limited by religion, she thought it would be best that I wait to be baptized by whomever ended up adopting me.

I remember having my first thoughts about spirituality around age 5. I have vivid dreams, you see. Some would say that I am an astral plane walker. And I started having dreams about my purpose in this life. Many "questions" people have, I just felt like I "knew". I knew I had done this all before (Reincarnation), many times before. So many times that I was more "in control" of my "spirit" than most anyone else. I had this "universe view", as if I were a powerful Guardian Angel sent to help the people. But, I realized it would not be clear cut and was somewhat frustrating. Because Evil & Death also serves its purpose and is beautiful in its own way. So, I let the topic melt away for a while.

Because my father continued to be a manipulative nut, it took until my 9th birthday for Grandma to have guardianship. But we were already considering whom I would goto beforehand. So, soon after that final trial, I decided to live with my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin in my father's side.

Unfortunately, things did not turn out well with them. I was so desperate to be loved and accepted and was so afraid of being abandoned, that I blamed myself when she would tell at me or when my cousin would touch me. I accepted that she thought I was a Rogue when they found out he was sneaking into my bedroom at night. I cried a lot. I cried when they laughed when I had night terrors and sleep walked. I cried when she tossed me in the shower to wake me up. I cried when she hated me and found someone else's daughter to spend time with. I read a lot of books and spent as much time as I could at school or with my head in my computer. Then, at 16, after my cousin had a shotgun wedding and the new wife moved in and he went to boot camp, I left.

Around that time, I had started exploring what other people thought about spirituality, again. Some of my friends were Wiccan, some Christian.

Once, I went to an "accept God into your heart" ceremony at a non denominational church. That was the first time anything anyone else believed made any sense. When I approached the steps, and closed my eyes, it was as if the Universe was watching the humans, like it was some sort of comedy. "Look! They think we are gonna "save" them. Hahaha! Awww... Don't they realize they have the spiritual power within themselves? That they created their Jesus?"

And all I could do was smile and shuffle back to my seat.

Similarly, the Wiccans, were often simply "finger pointers", throwing pretend lasers of power in random directions.

Many years have passed since those formative ones. But, I always come back around to the same thing. We are electric squishy beings in a Universe full of awe and wonder. We are creative and destructive, a perfect reflection of the star stuff we are made of. If only we could find a way to accept each other for our kaleidoscope of differences, for just one moment, just to breathe. Maybe is wouldn't seem so scary after all.

Adulting: 20 Years of Self-Discovery

A few weeks ago, after having a lengthy discussion with a friend on facebook about forgiveness and reconciliation, I held my breath, scrunched my eyelids, and jumped into an abyss. I had no idea what to expect when I sent that initial message. But, I knew I had to. It was time.

When I finally got the courage to peek through narrow slits and a haze of eyelashes, I was greeted with a pleasant extended exchange with a person I thought I had lost forever. After several weeks of conversation, today, I was asked a relatively simple question. One that you would think would have been asked and answered during the first couple of minutes. They wanted to know what I had been doing with myself for the last 20 years!

I found it impossible to explain in brief and sitting here writing this now, I realize that I have spent much of my adult life telling close friends and loved ones about my childhood. To be honest, I still can't believe that I have lived more years since leaving Rocklin, CA in January of 1998 than when I was born in April of 1980. But, the numbers don't lie. After regurgitating my journey, I felt it was important to capture the story here. After all, at some point, I intend on writing a memoir, just like my grandmother did, and I need to keep some notes. Here is that accounting:

After I left Rocklin, I enrolled in Paradise Valley High School. When reviewing my transfer credits from Rocklin, it was decided that I would make up work for a Physics class by finishing my final project by mail. My earned points were too low for a History class, so I enrolled in a History course at the Paradise Community College as a college concurrent course (credits for both HS and college) and was also able to fit in Jazz Choir into my schedule. The Jazz Choir won semi-finals and was invited to a San Diego Jazz Choir competition. The school chartered a bus and reserved hotel rooms and after the competition the next day, we were all treated to a wonderful show at a local historical theater and after-hours event at SeaWorld.

Near graduation, I was awarded the President's Award for Educational Achievement where the presentation focused on Abraham Lincoln and how he persevered despite his many setbacks. After graduating from Paradise Valley High School, I enrolled in several Open Entry/Open Exit courses during the summer and participated in a work-study program in the Computer Lab where I mostly helped young and old operate the Windows 95/98 computers and reset the printer queues. lol

I continued for another couple of semesters there, but soon found myself not having yet made a career choice, so left to work full time at various computer retail stores. CompUSA, a local computer shop called Paradise Valley Computers & Sears in the computer department. However, after finding it difficult to progress in computer retail, found myself working at Robinson's May in the Home department. I quickly became one of their top performers. However, I must have not kept track of the security of my drawer one day, or something, and found myself being accused of stealing from the company and being fired. Hindsight 20/20, I should have insisted that they show me the proof. (they said they had security footage) . But, oh well.

At that point, I decided I needed to get out of retail sales, and ended up as a cashier for Home Depot. After the holidays, they laid me off, so I enrolled in the Work Information Network program through the Department of Economic Security and went back to school, this time at Maricopa Community College for an Associates Degree in Computer Science. Unfortunately, the state failed to inform me that they would only be paying for the first semester and I had to apply for federal aid to continue with the program. At which point, I also started working through several temp companies and found myself jumping around several Admin Assistant and Inbound Customer service positions in the Healthcare and Financial industries, finally ending up working as a technical support representative at 2Wire, an internet router/modem manufacturer. I started there when there were only 50 people at the center and watched it grow to over 300 agents, survived a buy-out by HSBC as the "Home Networking" division.

While working these "temp" jobs, I lost interest in the Associates Degree due to lack of quality instructional design and after taking a break for a while, after I started tech support at 2Wire, I decided to try a Technical College, finally deciding on an Art Design school that had a technical program, called Collins College out of Tempe, AZ. This time, I tried very hard to keep my work and school lives separate. But, when the Career Center got wind where I worked, they must have reached out to 2Wire, as they started attending career days at the school. Soon, I was surrounded by people that went to my school & my workplace. Needless to say, despite all the policy & procedure changes that took place at 2Wire, I had worked my way onto a specialized "fiber" Senior level team within 2 years. But, I hit a glass ceiling. They kept promising to send me to CA to do special work with the Engineering department, etc. Then, one day, my supervisor "wrote me up" for getting 0's on 5 out of 10 User Experience Reviews in the previous week. After two years of excellent service, this new manager decided to write me up for a bogus reason. Let me explain. They just implemented this policy to grade employees performance based on User Experience reviews. Being on level 2, most of my calls were escalated from the overseas call center in India. So, most people who gave bad scores to level 2 agents were actually marking for their experience with the level 1 dumb shit they first talked to. To top it off, they had me "selling" the surveys to the customers, encouraging us to beg for high scores at the end of the call.

So, I started looking for a different job. Through a different staffing agency, while I was at the Maricopa County Animal control, rescuing a 2 year old male Husky, I got a call from a Manager at Universal Technical Institute, an Automotive Educator, to come to work in their internal Help Desk. I gladly accepted the position and right before finishing my Bachelor's Degree in PC Networking Technology in 2006, was offered an entry-level development position on their in-house team. I continued to work for UTI for another 3 years, working on their internal Student Information System, embracing changes and improvements within the company and system. For most of my stay at UTI, I lived in Arizona City, which is a 70-minute drive south of Phoenix. And those first 2 years were the craziest, working full time, school full time (in an accelerated program, 3 years to complete the Bachelor's degree) and driving ~150 mi per day. I remember four nights a week, only getting 5 hrs of sleep at night. It was TOUGH. For years after, I would say: "I'll never do THAT again!"

But, after finishing the program, something changed.

Looking back now, I realize that I crave doing more, being more than just one thing.

Once all I had to live for was my work, I focused hardcore on the UTI "family" and "culture", the messaging and maybe I got too altruistic and saw too much behind the curtain. I was definitely discovering my true independence and after leaving a relationship in 2008, everything just came crashing down on me. I had been staying at my Grandma's, getting ready to move into an apartment, alone, for the first time, ever and it hit me out of the blue, a full-on, holy shit, Panic Attack. Went to the hospital, convinced I was having a heart attack, to be rushed into the Xray machine and EKG and everything, only to be handed a Xanax and after feeling a thousand times better, chalked it up to "stress"

But, I kept having them and the symptoms were always different. Sometimes mild, sometimes like lighting striking my skull.

So, naturally, I went to the doctor, who in turn diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and was prescribed anti-anxiety medication.

I even started going to a counselor again.

But, nothing was working, I was losing focus at work, my performance was suffering. One day my boss pulled me into his office, convinced I was going to be canned, I started to cry. Now, this guy was awesome. He was sensitive and loved having women on his team, so knew how to deal. We decided I would take a leave of absence for 3 weeks.

so, at the end of October 2008, I took a trip around AZ. And I started blogging. Here are some blogs for that trip: http://norahaura.blogspot.com/search/label/operation%20recuperation

After returning to work, I was able to handle the corporate environment much better, like some sort of competitive sport and soon found myself getting approached by the Quality Assurance group for a new position they were creating and wanted to fill with a mid-level programmer analyst. I would be working as a liaison between the dev and QA groups and helping to enhance the new software automation regression testing suites they were starting to implement as part of a proactive strategy initiative, blah, blah, blah

Of course, I was excited about the opportunity. However, I was asked to keep it secret. I should have known then that something was wrong. About a month later, I emailed in sick. Midday, I got a surprise knock at my door from my boss, worried because he hadn't heard from me. I found the email had gotten stuck in my drafts, and sent it, thinking nothing more about it. However, the next day, I was called into the director's office and fired. I was devastated. I remember having to fight for my Unemployment benefits, going through an Audit process with a phoned-in hearing, where they were found to not have sufficient evidence to support a "justified" firing.

So, there I was, unemployed again... Just a few days before, I had met a new romantic interest, even had him over at my apartment the day that I got fired. Thankfully, he was there to catch me. Needless to say, we fell deeply in love, moved in together at a new apartment near his mother's house in Mesa, AZ and that is when my "real" journey started.

Well, I guess, you can say, my "adulting" journey, anyway.

I registered a trade name & started back at school, this time at Western International University for an MBA. While going to school, I started to develop my brand and figure out exactly what I wanted to do. It was very challenging. I had no idea where to put the focus. I knew a little about a lot, or at least I felt that way, at the time. So, I just advertised as a Jane-of-all-technology. And of course, that failed, so I got another job, working for University of Phoenix, another private educator as a technical support representative. Again, I had aspirations of starting at the bottom and working my way up. After all, that corporate ladder worked at least part-way before. So, I spent another 3 years working for one of the biggest corporate educators on the planet. And again, I was pretty good at climbing, ending up in the Internal Tech Support group, getting on specialized projects and teams. At this point, I embraced change, I thrived on it. I was even named a "change agent" within the company, always getting picked to work on the next initiative, training new employees, and when a big change came, when they decided to outsource the Internal Help Desk, I was right there, Designing interactive workflows in Adobe Photoshop, doing training seminars with the Indian reps.

And I even accepted going back to the External Technical Support group, continuing to advance under that umbrella, enrolling in the Remote team program, a new group where agents worked primarily from home.

But, like before, I started to see the seeds of change were turning against me, so I revitalized the idea of restarting my business, went back to school for a Masters of Science in Innovation & Entrepreneurship from Full Sail University, based out of Florida. It was an online program, so I was able to work and school again, but at an easy pace, only having to write a few things each week and participate in discussions. Then, I landed a big contract in 2013 with a friend/partner for a plastic bag manufacturer out of California. And when the project started rolling, and I UOP was starting to drive me bonkers, I quit UOP and went full-time with my business.

So, for over 5 years now, I have been operating my own software development business.

I have had many clients since that first one and have learned A LOT. I still have some challenges to overcome, some of which were harder to crack due to other circumstances. But, especially since moving here to Nebraska, I have really been able to hone in on my mission and vision and have a new product I am working on launching, hopefully, this year.

So, there you go. (Congratulations if you made it this far, btw!) There are a lot of details not covered here and you can read about them here on my blog. But, really, this was more a review of my professional journey, with a few personal bits mixed in.

If you have made it this far, I am interested to know more about you too! How many of you have been adulting longer than you were a child? Do you feel old? I'm not sure I do, at least yet. Also, do you plan on writing or have you written an autobiography?

Agendas: Everyone's got them

Just like opinions, everyone has agendas. In fact, I would argue that agendas are an extension of opinions. You form agendas from opinions, and goals from agendas. This thought process is heavily engrained into our survival and communal genome as a means to help ourselves and others we care about to be successful.

But, I would argue that where people clash is not in having opposing opinions, but rather having conflicting agendas. It is easy to see that an opinion is emotionally charged based on an individual's life experiences. However, because agendas are more goal oriented, the emotionally charged roots are often shrouded.

Vince Gowmon makes some awesome suggestions on how to temper placing agendas on others in his nicely written article, Hold the Agenda of Others:

"What I invite you to consider is that there are many circumstances where we can withhold our agenda for others just a little bit more. Perhaps you allow your staff to share more of their own ideas; in school, you allow your students to bring their agendas forth more; or at home, you allow your child greater room to take risks, get messy, make mistakes and learn through them."

In my experience, as a project manager, software developer & server admin, I deal with other people's agendas on a consistent basis. One of my best characteristics, in fact, is how I am uniquely able to dive into conflicting agendas and find a way to integrate them.

One of the most important parts of this process is to know when my own agendas are getting in the way. There are countless ways to accomplish a goal. In programming, there are even more. In fact, I value less how efficiently it is achieved, than how complete and respectful it is. Simple things like formatting and comments can go a long way to helping others to use your code, for instance. After all, when creating software, it's not about how you are using it, it is about how others will use it.

These golden rule professional skills are also very useful in personal relationships with family and friends. After I started writing about how my hubby and I were living out of a 1986 GMC Suburban, it became almost immediately apparent who did not have these skills.  One in particular, a ranking family member of mine, has, more than once, challenged my resolve.  This individual, while meaning well, has only served to expose how trying to impose your agendas on others simply doesn't work.

At first, I was told (notice how I said "told" here, not asked, not empathized, "told") that my problem was my husband.  That I needed to escape him.  As if he was some sort of abuser.  Needless to say, I was furious.  My husband and I are a team. We are best friends.  We cry and fight and love together.  To hear a family member say this to me was devastating.  After having several private chat conversations, upon request (because I am forgiving of other people'a agendas), the conversation seemed to always digress to the opinion that "everyone has to make their own mistakes".  And it happened again, just recently, being "told" that I "should" sell my "junker" truck and take a bus to Grand Island, NE to be with my husband.  Again, the conversation digressed to:

But, I'd like to think that my response will help to redirect this behavior.  To be completely honest, it is not important to me that my family has plenty of money, but won't help me buy wheels and gas for my truck.  It bothers me that a single person in my family is allowing her own agendas to prevent her from being supportive.  I wish that she could help, for her sake, not mine.

When life gives you lemons.... write about it!

I have been seeing sooooo much news about homelessness lately.  Now, I completely accept that the Almighty Google may just be targeting me.  But, when I am encouraged to sign-up for Nextdoor, a "social network for your neighborhood community", and a large percentage are about homeless in the area.  Well, I wonder.  Maybe the world is just changing and seems like very few are truly ready.

So, how do I deal?  I write!  And today, I have finally taken the plunge and signed up to be a Creator on Medium.

Here is my first post:

Beautiful, Brilliant & Talented: Another facet of Homeless life in the PNW

My husband & I are currently living out of our 1986 GMC Suburban in Vancouver, WA and became houseless last year near the end of July, because of a predator, a person who was supposed to be family, who claimed to need roommates to help afford his apartment and once discovered that he was illegally subletting low-income housing that he did not qualify for, proceeded to misuse the local authorities to get us thrown out on the street.

And after, I saw another creator's post where it seems I am not the only one who is seeing this stuff:

It is good to hear others are seeing the same problem I am.

It is good to hear others are seeing the same problem I am. If people would just stop & listen, sit with each other, embrace each other, see each other's value.

How Conditional Love Destroys Family

Toon Image Source: Ali Solomon - NYC

Has anyone ever been treated with "tough love" by a family member? I'm sure most of you have. Myself, I have come to believe that this behavior, while may have good intentions is often detrimental to the mental health and stability of the individual.

Take my mother, for instance. She is the single-most sweetest person I have had the pleasure to know. Admittedly, this is partially due to her mental illness, but nevertheless, her quickness to forgive and willingness to sacrifice with a deep concern for others are the parts of my genome that I proudly display on my sleeve.

As a result, whenever I encounter opposition, I tend to try to understand and empathize first, compromise and support next, and forgive and forget, if all else fails. But, recently, this modus operandi has been severely challenged. The more I think about this happening, the more I realize how this is not the first time. In fact, there has been a pattern of this approval-rating behavior in from my maternal family since I was very young. And worse, it not only affects me but everyone else in and around the Felton women.

I have always been the type to have to "learn the hard way", as my late Grandmother would often suggest, usually accompanied with a chuckle, when I told her about the latest catastrophic science experiment. One, in particular, involved a Barbie tea party, using a toy barbeque set and a tiny bottle of Tabasco sauce. The tea didn't taste as it should, of course, but being born in New Mexico, I was not put off by the spice. Rather, I was annoyed that there was so little to go around and it was gone before I had a chance to discover the exact number of drops that were necessary to achieve flavor without too much bite.

My sense of curiosity and perseverance has continued to serve me to this day. Although, as I matured, and through experience, I tend to make fewer mistakes now and know better when to pull myself away from a tough problem to let the ideas and findings percolate. I don't know how many times I have been hit by an "Aha!" moment while doing some unrelated activity, like flying a kite, reading a book or playing a game.

One of the things my Felton family has always valued was education. Which is good, because I happen to love it, as well! Although, due to mitigating circumstances, involving sexual abuse by a Paternal family member (from my father's side), which finally ended when I emancipated myself at age 16. Of course, the Felton matriarch came to the rescue, purchasing a futon, at first, and several months later, after speaking openly of the many years of sexual abuse, was shipped back to live with my Grandmother. So, needless to say, once I graduated High School (which was a feat of its own), I was NOT ready for college full time. I was ready to work, to serve, to mentor. So, naturally, I signed up for work-study at the Paradise Valley Community College computer lab, helping all walks of life operate the complicated machinery. And I was a natural, troubleshooting the printer queue and network in one moment, and reminiscing with an elderly re-entry student about how there didn't use to be mice for computers, in his day. I was not, however, as interested in writing long essays on English literature or arguing about the merits of Sine vs Cosine in solving Polar Equations with my Calculus instructor.  So, to say the least, my attendance lapsed and I found myself working various sales and support positions until, at age 23, I finally broke down and got "that stupid piece of paper" and enrolled in Collins College, a now-defunct technical/art college, and 3 years later, walked out with a BS in Networking Technology.

Before graduation day, I had landed a "sweet gig" working in the Education industry as an internal Technical Support Analyst for Universal Technical Institute, Inc and quickly worked my way over to the Software Development shop.  My "helium hand" got me far and fast in the corporate world.  But, sometimes, fast is too fast, and I found myself out on my heels right before a big promotion into the Quality Assurance group.  This loss hit me hard.  Why?  They had convinced me early on in the relationship that I was a member of their corporate FAMILY...

The word, FAMILY, holds a deep meaning in my heart.  I do not impose it lightly.  I have discarded genetic family that I did not consider deserved the title in the past and am not afraid to do so, to this day.  Equally, I am cautious to add anyone to this list.  Although I freely admit, in search of acceptance and love, I fell into several romantic relationships in my young adult years, where my vision was shrouded.  In fact, after abruptly leaving a serious relationship in the mid-2000's, largely due to his addiction to fetish forums, favoring the admiration of a new piece of virtual meat to the ready-and-waiting familiarity of yours truly, I acquiesced to the apparent curse of the Felton women, to never know true love and found a way to be happy with that.

Being alone, older, and, thankfully, childless, was still challenging, to say the least.  A life of consistent trauma and loss finally caught up with me, manifesting itself in the form of persistent Panic Attacks, leading to a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder and subsequent medication.  At this time, I was still working with UTI, the automotive educator, being still in favor and alignment with the office politics, I was encouraged to take a leave of absence, which I took advantage of and consequently named Operation Recuperation and wrote several blog entries about:

• Night 1
• Day 2
• Day 3
• Day 4
• Day 5

Even though I struggled, at the young age of 29, I was happy to be alone, with the idea of being single for the rest of my life.  Plus, I had plenty of friends and social circles to laugh and cry with.  As a member of the SCA (An international volunteer medieval re-enactment organization), I often found myself at backyard barbeques and campouts one weekend and Gaming Parties with my Alumni buddies the next.  Being an accomplished woman in STEM, I had no shortage of suitors.  Still, to this day, my marital status is inquired and I have become adept at quelling the oncoming crush, utilizing various methods that seek not only to accept to flattery but make clear my lack of availability.

In April of 2009, my perceptions and assumptions surrounding love, passion, and career were changed, to say the least.  A match-maker friend of mine called me up one evening, after work, while I was contemplating a jaunt to the local used bookstore.  She asked if I was into "Younger overweight guys", which made me chuckle, but could understand based on the previous man I was with being older and petite.  I decided to allow her this pleasure, and with Thor's Myspace pictures plastered in my mind, drove down to meet up with him.  Not interested in a relationship, but not minding a roll in the hay, I found him pleasantly intellectual, yet not presumably so.  Striking me as gentle and shy, underneath an animated sheath, I felt allowed to be myself and easily attracted to the beast.

I took him home that night, spent the next week easily enjoying his company, deciding that it would make sense to take a break, reconnect with other friends and family, testing to see how we each felt about continuing to see each other.  See, neither of us intended to get into a relationship.  Thor had come off a heartbreak within the last year and had, decided himself, as well, that he was better off not having one.  We had agreed to part for two weeks but found after only one, that we couldn't stand the silence any longer and by the end of the month, found ourselves moved into together in a new apartment, in Mesa, near his lovely mother, Patty.

It has been almost 9 years since meeting and falling in love with Thor, but it feels like it has been dramatically more.  It has not all been butterflies and rainbows, to say the least.  Rather, the financial and emotional struggles we have experienced, have time and again, proven to me that we are strong, we are resilient and we can survive the Apocalypse together.  His strengths and weaknesses match so strangely perfect with mine, that we have often found ourselves clashing with each other, pinging off each other's fears and frustration.  But, through all the tears and turmoil, we come to an understanding, empathize, and find a way to help each other overcome and break through to a more meaningful existence.  In addition, we allow and encourage social interaction outside of ourselves.  Because no matter how much we love or hate each other, we love and hate the world, too.

It is on this last matter, that I feel most proud of when it comes to gauging the success of our relationship.  We are often observed by people, upon seeing our interaction, that we sound like an old couple, but still in love.  And when asked how we came to be, I often come back to the thought that we demand brutal honesty from each other.  No matter the issue, no matter how much it might hurt to hear, we need to, we have to because if we don't, it will only build up and create animosity between us.

This brings me to the recent Happening...

A couple of weeks ago, my Auntie Joanne, after hearing of our more recent challenges, messaged me to ask to have a private conversation with her.  Upon clarification, she meant without Thor in the room.  Out of respect for her wishes, I waited until I had a free morning when Thor was otherwise occupied and grabbed a quiet room at the local library.

Before pinging her that I was available, I had already started to develop some anxiety surrounding the purpose of the meeting.  Was someone sick, dying? Were they simply worried about me?  Right out of the gate, I was hammered with a statement that still rings in my head.  Last night, the reverberation of its effect was so loud that Thor woke to a midnight crying session.  Come to find out, in the span of a single paragraph, my whole Felton family, not just Auntie Joanne, wanted me to know that if I ever decided to leave Thor, they had plenty of money and would help me to start over.  Ummm...

Wha? Start Over? Let me think, I have started over, with and without Thor more times than I have fingers, maybe even toes.  Regardless of that fact, why would I do that?  So, I naturally, I asked why they would only help if I was without Thor?  And tiptoeing and diving around the questions, the only response I got was something incredulous like "adult decisions have adult consequences". Near the end of the conversation, after I attempted to acquaint her with how Thor has been a positive influence on my life, helping me deal with my Anxiety without medication (which, its use along with the Depo birth control shots, had been a contributing factor towards a life-threatening Deep Vein Thrombosis event).  And only after I explained that I prefer the peace brought on by the nomadic life, did she relent to the simple core of worry, wanting to make sure that I was safe and happy.  After assuring her that my life was in no danger and that I was happier than I have ever been, she still could not directly answer my question about their opinion of Thor.

So, I can only imagine, and I have, the fears and Anxiety about the opinions of the Fucking Felton Matriarchy.... about MY LIFE, MY HUSBAND, MY CHOICES.... 

All I have to say is: HOW DARE YOU!  All of you, are abused and alone!  I pity you!  To say the least, I am disappointed to have come from your stock.  These are the parts of my genome that I DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO.  This and previous statement about your "OPINIONS" feel like poison in my heart and I am feeling the urge to pull out the thorn, never to let it's sweet fragrance tempt me again.

I don't pretend to know all the secrets to love an happiness, but I will continue to attempt to transcribe some of them here on my blog. In the meantime, tell me what you think. Is blood thicker than Conditional Love?  If so, why should it be?

Dear Universe....

Today, I submitted this here:

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Hello? Universe? 

I know I haven't talked to you in a while, but I really need your help.
If you recall, the last time I asked for your help, you gave me the strength to leave home at 16 in order to escape my emotionally destructive Aunt and sexual abuse by my cousin.  And I think I have been paying it forward ever since. But, I sometimes wonder if I have done something wrong to anger you. 

Just to bring you up to date...  I have been working in software development for quite a few years now (20+) with a focus on the Education industry.  I also serve as a mentor on Codementor.io/tekNorah and love working with creatives, like yourself, to get things done!  About four years ago, I quit my "day job" and started working as an Independent Software Engineer and Project Director for Small to Medium-sized businesses in the Manufacturing, Automation and Integration spaces.  My previous experiences convinced me that Innovation is Dead for Corporate America and helped to expose my real passion: the Freelancer community! 

Currently, I am focused on building a Freelancers Network for like-minded people that want to work with other independent freelancers on larger brand/web projects. The network consists of Dev, Design and Brand professionals, with a range of skill levels and rates with the goal of budget flexibility, while remaining focused on quality.
I am asking for your help one more time.  Would you mind sending me some paying clients? I know it is a bit tough for everyone out there right now.  But, I think I might just not be barking up the right tree or something.  Rent is really late this month and my relationship with my roommate us really shaky right now.  Plus, my husband is going crazy because he is without his instruments for over 2 years now, which we had to sell in order to eat at the time. 

We have a food bank nearby and moved up to Vancouver, WA in January this year, in order to let the green heal us and it has done a great thing for us.  But, it is starting to look very grim and I don't want to crash and burn so far from family. 

Just a reminder, our rent and bills are only $615 per month.  I am willing to wait, but we are also down to paper towels for toilet paper.  Ultimately, I just need some traction, so we get enough together to buy an RV and buy my Husband's music and recording equipment back. I know you want to hear his art and it breaks my heart to see him this way.  He is so patient and loving.  If it were just me, I would just live in a shelter right now.  But, he wouldn't do well in there and would end up homeless, I just know it.

Thank you for listening!

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If you or anyone else needs some help with their website, software or project management, please reach out to me anytime. My email is: tekNorah@tekAura.com or message me using the social links at the bottom of my about.me page.

If you think I'm awesome sauce and just want to donate, you can send me money directly via paypal.me/tekAura or subscribe for rewards on Patreon.

And if anyone needs help with money, please check out this website.  Who knows? Maybe your story will resonate.

Freelancing In A Nutshell

I never thought my first post on LinkedIn Pulse would be about a talent service. But, here I go. I have been a freelance software developer and project manager for almost 3 years. Yay?!


My biggest challenge on this journey has been finding clients that can afford to keep me interested. People love to work with me, not because I am a yes person, but because I am patient, friendly and a realist.


Unfortunately, this often results in clients that don't live up to my expectations. Often, these clients do not make essential decisions and/or do not provide essential information in order for me to provide the level of quality I have promised. So, I found myself transitioning from Independent Software Developer to Project Manager. Sufficient requirements gathering is hard. But, it also absolutely necessary for success.


This is where I hope toptal will fill in the gaps. I myself have thought about starting my own talent agency and/or creating a project management tool the freelancer/small business space. Honestly, I probably will still do it. But, I need to regain my lost capitol first. Toptal appears to be the most promising option on the market right now. Where many other freelance bidding platforms fail, toptal would succeed.
Job Bidding Simply Does not Work


Freelancer and Upwork is filled with employers who want to pay too little for quality work and in turn this attracts low-skilled workers who overpromise and underdeliver. Sound familiar to anyone?


Essentially, this system is flawed at its core. If you allow someone to ask for a logo for $5, they will do it and they will get bidders for $1 or $3. However, what guarantee do you have that the work is original? What if you get caught? Are you ready for a lawsuit over a $2 logo? I wouldn't want to be that person.


I mean, if you are willing to spend $600 on your iPhone, why can't you spend at least half of that on the logo that represents your brand, your reputation as a new business owner.


As a freelancer looking for legitimate work, I have bid on 1000's of jobs on these websites over the past couple years and none have ever turned out.
Barking Up the Wrong Tree


Ok, so, these leads are not a good match, right? Right. But, I still believe in the quality work and fair compensation in the freelancer community. Everyone knows that you are only as good as your next contract. Well, what if all contracts were good. No, what if they were great?!


Toptal's concept appears to addresses this issue. Not only do they screen their freelancers, but they also screen client contracts.


So, I applied today and I will continue to post about my Toptal experience as a freelance developer.


Don't let me down Toptal Web development community, don't let me down. I want to join your community.

Market Research for the Entrepreneur

Primary and Secondary market research are the two basic types of market research.  Secondary market research is available, often at little to no cost through Trade Associations, Public and Government resources.  This type of research is often performed first because it gives you a general sense of viability and feasibility within a particular market sector or geographic location.  Detailed census data, for instance, can tell you about the consumer's attitude and tendencies. Primary market research's purpose is to provide specific feedback on consumer interest in an offering.  It is important to be careful to use a method that is appropriate for your target market. As mentioned by Karen Plesner in Part II of her video, using online surveys are only useful if people are willing or able to fill out a survey.

It is often difficult to determine how valuable a particular research activity will be to your bottom line.  However, it is often the assumption that market research is worth its weight in Gold.  Most will determine a marketing budget, then spend as smartly as possible, creating a diversified plan that addresses the highest priority marketing activities first. As a start-up, it is a good idea for the entrepreneur to start by focusing on secondary market research in order to determine market saturation and identify competitors.  This research, in particular, should help to determine your initial offering, to include the four P's: Product, Price, Promotion & Place. If these estimates warrant further research, an entrepreneur should follow up with primary research activities in order to solidify these assumptions. Primary research activities should start before launch and continue as part of their iterative innovations in order to gain momentum and become sustainable in the chosen market sector.  The entrepreneur should think of secondary research as a way to discover and verify which target market with which you need to focus your primary research activities.

Market research is often perceived too expensive or difficult for the entrepreneur to perform on their own.  Due to this, there is a market for Market Research!  If you are fortunate enough to have venture capital before research activities are performed, you could subscribe or contract with a market research firm.  However, keep in mind, there are many free resources available to the entrepreneur.  There is no set dollar amount that represents a successful marketing strategy.  A start-up should be prepared to invest most, if not all of its available funds, after expenses, into market research activities during the initial phases. Every minute the entrepreneur uses on performing their own research also increases the company’s knowledge, which will tie directly into the attractiveness of the start-up to potential investors and clients.

Ultimately, the entrepreneur should perform marketing research prior to any direct advertising.  It is not only a waste of resources, but also very frustrating when you find out that your advertising efforts have fallen on deaf ears.

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The above excerpt was an initial response to Week 1's Discussion Question in the Market Research for Entrepreneurs course at Full Sail University by Shannon "Norah" Medlin.

Norah's 2¢: 5 Reasons Why Receiving Is Harder Than Giving

Norah commented on 5 Reasons Why Receiving Is Harder Than Giving:

Thank you for this soothing camaraderie.  Coming from an abusive childhood, I  have developed a deep disdain for narcissistic behavior.  So much, that at times, I have to fight hard against the association of guilt when receiving a gift.  Last year, I quit my Corporate job to

Norah's Notebook: Why Innovation does not belong in Corporate America

Since leaving the corporate grind last year (haha! I can say that now!) and restarting my Software Development firm, tekAura, I have come across many articles in the start-up community that keep on selling our secrets upstream.  The only saving grace is that I don't believe the corporate goons are capable of comprehending the underlying message. Anyone that has been a part of a corporate innovation initiative or two, or three hundred... you know what I mean!  It takes a unique kind of person to recognize the fallacy in these efforts.  After all the paper prizes and shiny internal disposable marketing packages, some of start wonder.... where is the change they keep talking about?  And one day, you stop, take a moment to look around and find yourself in a sea of drones, a sea of vacant button pushers.  Then you realize why everyone thinks you are nuts!  You make them look bad, you make them work harder.  Those people don't want to help, they don't believe they matter.  Why?  Because you have proven to them time and again they are worth less than the dirt from the smoking corner out in the parking lot.  So, no wonder you can't innovate.  You don't listen, you don't include, you don't care.  Whether because passion and drive is beaten out of you over the first 5 years of dedicated service or because you have given in to the executive bottom line requirements, management continues to struggle to translate your hidden agenda in actionable results on the cutting floor.  For this and many other reasons I will likely detail for the rest of my life, I was inspired to write the following comment on an article titled, Stop Stifling Entrepreneurs in Your Company:

Corporate environments have never and will never be truly interested in innovation.  While some, like Google and Pixar may carry the intention forward, there will always come a point, due to it's sheer mass, when the demands of production quantity exceeds quality.  If left to their own devices, Executives are much more interested in acquiring Entrepreneurship capital after most of the Research & Development activities have been completed, which is the most expensive part of any project.  They would much rather purchase a product during its maintenance phase and ride it until it retires, maintaining warranty contracts and neatly billable work hours.  Entrepreneurship is innately risky, most do not have the guts for it.  Even those of us that do are constantly seeking a formula for ensuring success.  It is this unique individual, this brave soul, who should and does rightly serve society well by being ahead of the curve and willing to release a project at its peak potential.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it...   More and more Entrepreneurs are leaving the Corporate facade for rough waters and choosing not to create a rapid business development portfolio that only adds superfluous layers to the start-up soup, but rather, build a small B2B firm.  These creative houses incorporate social responsibility into every project and drive true innovation within the economy.  The most sustainable ones stay small and flexible.

Year in Review & Future Ambitions

Every year, about this time, most humans on this earth participate in some form of the New Years Resolution. This peculiar ritual was practiced the ancient Babylonians, Romans and continues to be deeply entrenched in tradition for Christians, Jews and Catholics. Being born and raised, but, ironically, never baptised, by a strange mix of Christian denominations, I was free to extend my religious studies into many others.  And have since developed my personal belief system, which includes a form of this practice.

As a natural Engineer and Project Manager, I tend to contemplate a sort of casual postmortem.  Instead of simple list of things that I wish I would have done better, I tend to perform a more detailed analysis with several areas of incremental improvement.  Ironically, seldom do I write it down this internalization.  However, this year has been especially tumultuous and I find it helpful, if not necessary to post it here.

The year began halfway through our first year's lease at our current residence at Missions Springs Apartments in Tempe, AZ.  Working at University of Phoenix as a Technical Support Analyst for 2 1/2 years, I was growing cynical and tired of the dead end corporate world.  I had come to realize that no matter what feat of intellectual prowess or participation, I was left abandoned at the bottom of IT pit. The depth of despair plummeted as the middle of the year approached and I reached a certain logic that the corporate world was no longer the adventure that I had once hoped.

In June, my frustrations with destructive micro management had reached a peak.  With a prospective freelance contract on the horizon, I jumped ship and cashed in on my savings.  This extreme disgust propelled me to leave the corporate life behind permanently.  In preparation for this realized independence, I enrolled in the Innovation and Entrepreneurship Masters of Arts Degree at Full Sail University in September.  The program is extremely accelerated.  Each to be completed in only four weeks.  This week, I started my fourth course, Market Research for Entrepreneurs.  A more lengthy review of the program will be sure to follow.  However, for now, suffice it to say that quality education is determined by the student, not the faculty.

I ended up taking leave from the program for the month of December in order to focus on some contractual responsibilities, family and come up for air before plunging head long again into the chilly rugged rapids of the great river of Business.  Feeling prophetic in the coming of the New Year, I find myself wading in the calm pools between each challenging rapid.  I am reminded of a great movie, The Unsinkable Molly Brown. Those of us in the Molly Brown Fan Club love the rapids, we grunt and scream and cry, we persevere and hunker down and ride out the rough patches, to arrive on top, a hootin' and holler'n.

Ok, ok, enough of that... I think my cowgirl genes are peeking out... :)

Back to the subject at hand.... My plans, you ask?
 My ambitions, you are seeking?  Yes, well....

Besides all the selfish usual wishes and hopes to improve health, find time to play and move into a house (finally!!), in the spirit of Entrepreneurship, I would rather focus on mission and vision.

Without revealing too much of the boring detail, we are getting BIZ-aYY over here!!!  A comprehensive plan is about to launch, my friends.  This is a year of big changes.  Business ideas and plans are coming to fruition.  Our innovation engine is going to be taking a few thousand laps.  We are building revenue streams, creating new channels. Video channels, that is.  And networking, lots and lots of networking.  All of you that have paid attention, that have stuck with us and proven your worth.  We are soon to call upon your talents!  Lets build something significant, something to be proud of, something.... well, that just doesn't suck!

Google thinks Custom means Suggested

I am finding myself disappointed by our supposed innovation star, Google.  Maybe I just haven't been paying close enough attention or maybe it is because I am starting to see the world through a small business owner's perspective.  But with the recent hoopla about their YouTube Content ID service changes, I am should be surprised to find out that Google+ does not actually offer Custom URLs.  They are just Suggested URLs.  Their community Help page states that there is no review system or option to choose an alternate URL.  Meantime, posts on the page by users indicate that the option was available at one point, but everyone is getting rejection emails.

Google!  Ewe dun fuk'ed it up again!

Although these options do match my name on my profile, I don't want to use my name, I want to use my USERNAME.

Whatever happened to anonymity.  Does google not value it?  Another idea for a blog post, maybe..... hmmm....

Please leave your comments below.

FYI - I am thinking of switching to Wordpress or Drupal sooner than later, being unsatisfied with the limited commenting options available for Google's Blogger. What I really want is something like Comments Evolved which allows readers to comment in any way they prefer.

Is it time for a YouTube clone?

With all of the recent Content ID matching issues on YouTube, I am starting to seriously consider creating my own video hosting website as a replacement.  This would be an Open Innovation organization using copyleft licensing like Creative Commons, encouraging fair use content with an ad-revenue structure.

This type of venture would require a CDN (Content Delivery Network) that already supports this structure and if none exists, the creation of a new CDN.

The basis of this desire stems from the strong belief that IP Claims abuse is rampant and growing.  If we don't restrain corporate interests from being able to undermine the legal system in this manner, they will destroy the creativity movement entirely.  Worldwide, we are facing the potential for total disaster at every turn.  If we continue to discourage creativity and innovation in the same manner, we will surely experience further recession and other potential consequences.

Would you be interested in participating in this type of venture and/or do you know of any other organizations that are already attempting a media website like this?  Please leave a comment on this subject.  I would like to know what you think.

Related Videos:

Related Articles:

Deconstructing Let’s Play, Copyright, and the YouTube Content ID Claim System: A Legal Perspective

YouTube ignores content-creator concerns in statement regarding mass copyright flagging

Lawrence Lessig v. Liberation Music

10 Reasons Why You Should Never Host Your Own Videos

Norah's Notebook: Artist or the Clay?

Video 1.8 - Design Thinking: Bringing Empathy and Collaboration To Your Designs

The perfectionist in me can't stop from noticing that the first video in this series covered the 3rd and 4th points. Where the second/last video covered the first two points. But, I digress.... This program is really trying to drive home the point that good product design is intuitive. Being a female engineer, I am intimately familiar with this concept. I find myself wondering if the world if starting to catch on to my personal passions surrounding open innovation and creativity or if I am being shaped by this world. Am I the artists hands and is the world my clay or is it the other way around?

References

engineeringdotcom. (2012). Design Thinking. Bringing Empathy and Collaboration to Your Designs. Engineering.com. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-tQJ9RHKRw

engineeringdotcom. (2012). Integrative Thinking and Experimentalism in Design Thinking. Engineering.com. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_kc80XumZY

Norah's Notebook: Crazy=Awesome?

Video 1.7 - How To Design Breakthrough Inventions

David Kelley's Stanford’s Joint Program in Design is realizing the same benefits as this IEMS program at Full Sail.

I feel strongly that this course, in particular, is getting into material and discussion that is going to make the most difference to by business ventures.

Each material, discussion and assignment provides additional personal validation.

References

How to design breakthrough inventions. (2013, January 6). 60 Minutes. CBS. Retrieved from http://www.cbsnews.com/videos/how-to-design-breakthrough-inventions-50138327/

David Kelley. (2013, December 4). Stanford University Institute of Design. Retrieved from http://dschool.stanford.edu/bio/david-kelley/

Norah's Notebook: Why does starting a business have to drive you nuts?

While catching up on some reading homework today, I found myself writing this in my notebook:

Great Brands Are About Fusing Product And Service. How Do You Do It

"Companies need to start thinking about the holistic experience between their brands, products, and services. Crafting an experience requires design that considers these three elements of brand, product, and service in order to generate successful results. Any company can be analyzed through these lenses to evaluate the experience it creates for its customers (Seiger, 2013)." I feel very strongly that we require a strong brand image.  In fact, this has been my largest roadblock.  It keeps holding me back from starting.  I feel like I can describe the elements that I want, the emotion I want it to bring... but have not yet fully allowed myself to realize what that looks like, what arrangement is required and it amounts to my own fear, that I am incapable of doing so, that even though I appreciate and desire to perform and produce art, I am never going to be good enough... Ughhh, maybe I need to get a counselor....  Why does starting a business have to drive you nuts?

Steiger, R. (2013, December 3). Great Brands Are About Fusing Product And Service. How Do You Do It?Co.Design. Retrieved from http://www.fastcodesign.com/1670034/great-brands-are-about-fusing-product-and-service-how-do-you-do-it

Closing the Auto-share loop: From Twitter to Google+

On my previous blog post, Automatically Share Blogger posts to Multiple Social Networks, I discussed my strategy for sharing Blog posts to Blogger.  However, Buffer does not yet post to Google+ Profiles, which often leaves this social network out of the loop and in turn decreases my reach.  To remediate this concern, I have created a this IFTTT recipe.

Logic: Twitter posts with links are usually in regard to a new, whereas those without are usually a discussion specific event.  Thus, I have designed it to only fire when posting a link to twitter.

In order to avoid double posting to Google+, I have removed automatically posting to Google+ from the other recipes that use sources, like Tumblr, Blogger and Disqus.

The loop is now closed and the structure, subsequently, easier to diagram.

UPDATE (12/21/2013): Updated IFTTT recipe to use Link to Twitter post instead of embed code, which results in a blank post.